OPERATION: New Decade New Dierker / March 21, 2020 by Dani Perrot

Warning

This is unstructured writing and more of a spew of consciousness than anything. Below is an outline of Alex’s thought process surrounding his own alcohol consumption. Nothing bad has happened, everyone is healthy and fine, just reflection.

A brief history-

In high school I somehow ended up with the party kid crew that threw parties and got into trouble, oftentimes surrounding the consumption of alcohol. This caused tension in my relationship with my parents.
When I was in college I used alcohol regularly as a crutch in social situations to help mask insecurities. This crutch was a leading influence on my grades, caused me to lose my license for a stretch and caused me to almost miss my college graduation. This furthered the tension surrounding my consumption of alcohol with my parents.
After college I moved to Jackson, WY. While living in Jackson in my 20’s, beer was almost like a form of currency and I was never far from a beer fridge while at work, on the bus ride home and while living in a ski town.
When Dani and I left Jackson for Boulder, CO, one of the things I was excited about was starting over fresh in a new work culture and living on our own to avoid the temptation and peer pressure surrounding drinking.
Unfortunately, I still had a lot of growing up to do and when faced with an unfulfilling outdoor industry sales job, I easily slipped back into having lunch at craft breweries close to the office and hitting the beer fridge in the repair shop after work. The outdoor industry as a whole uses alcohol in a lot of irresponsible ways (think food service except with a sun hoody and a flatbill), it feels almost like with a wink and a fist bump your boss will say they can’t pay you anymore for the job you do but have all the beer you want and a new pair of ski boots. I witnessed this first hand, lost friends to the darkness this can shroud you in and it was the last straw in forcing me away from the industry that I geek out the most on. I mean I told dani the other day that I want to print a sticker that says “Gear Makes Me Poop.” The struggle is real.

***PLEASE NOTE*** This is not strange or unique. This is what my friends did and do, my mentors, my ski partners, those that I looked up to at the time.

So why write this post and what's the point? To begin with I have opinions. I think that it’s good to have opinions but I also think that it’s important to understand that your opinions may not be the same as others. Along with these opinions there have come many “Dierker-isms” as Dani puts it, and catch phrases, some of my own creation and others that I have adopted from people that I love and respect. These Dierker-isms are small taglines that I use redundantly, mostly to remind myself why I’m doing something (often difficult) or break the ice when life doesn’t make sense and I need a quick bearing for direction. There are many of these taglines that include “Ditto-ditto”, “It's just a fun run man” “If you can't huck it, F*** It “Enjoy the process” and most importantly “There are only so many beans.”

In my opinion, life is a little bit like the folk tale about Jack and the Magic Beanstalk. We've been given this bag of magic beans that can bring an enormous amount of experience to our lives (both good and bad). However, there are only so many of them. For me there are only so many beans and therefore only so much time and energy to experience life.

During Dani and I’s years in Colorado, I often found that I was short on beans. Too often beans would slip away due to decision making on my part and would leave me feeling exhausted, depressed and with a feeling of hopelessness. Leaks in this energy would come from all sorts of directions, and so I started trying to identify these leaks and address them as best as I could, or at least work to be more cognizant of them. A few of these leaks are outlined below:

Below the line thinking, more on that here- https://discoveryinaction.com.au/above-or-below-the-line-where-are-you/
Too much screen time
Alcohol consumption

Dani and I had several different chapters while living in Colorado, but the gist of a day included long commutes, lots of screen time, stress at work, stress from life events, as much exercise as we could fit in, dinner and a beer or two. This all seemed pretty normal, especially compared to our peers, until I started to find my top end last year.

I wasn’t sleeping very well, didn’t like my job, didn't like my commute, my communication patterns were faltering, I didn’t have much empathy for the world and was finding myself more and more trying to maximize every second of the day in search of something to hang my hat on, including the thought process, “how many beers can I have on Friday or Saturday night while attempting to be social and still rally at 4am the next morning, skin our skis, pack the car, wake up Dani and get down the road before the traffic to ski, because I've been busting my tail and need 4 hrs on skis or I'm going to be REALLY bummed.”

Ok so sidebar, there is something that the record must show. Above all else I love my wife Dani, I love my family and friends, however after that follows a host of pursuits led by skiing. I was really lucky to have a father who taught me to ski growing up in Illinois when I was 4. No lessons, just rental gear a couple days a year and a lot of encouragement. At 21, skiing was something I had known for my whole life…. before I moved to Jackson, WY after college. I knew what I was doing, skiing was NO problem. I promptly face planted skiing powder snow for the first time, double ejected out of both my bindings the first time I skied off Glory on Teton Pass and sun burned my eyes while on my first hut trip. The challenge of learning this new pursuit of backcountry skiing, in an environment that seemed so unfriendly but so beautiful with all the nuances of terrain choice, communication and gear selections in the most beautiful mountains I had ever known drugged me…. and then introduced me to a beautiful snow scientist. Life has never been the same. There are very few instances in your life that you have those dumb struck moments that change your course drastically and leave you with your jaw on the floor. Meeting Dani changed my life. Those first tours off Teton Pass changed my life. I love to fish, I love to run, I love to climb, but you might as well be saying I love lamp compared to the feeling I get with cold air on my face as I work my way punching in a new skin track or making turns of literally any kind, chunder, mash potatoes, hot pow, cold pow, pow pow, breakable crust, I don’t care.

This love of skiing has been stretched and tested over the years by going back to school, jobs, commuting, traffic, location and the biggest culprit has been alcohol. So many days I skinned on a brisk morning or put on my running shoes feeling groggy and fuzzy, bloated and generally shitty. I struggle to regulate temperature on a good day and being hungover made it far worse. I get snippy, emotional and don't problem solve or make decisions well.

The effects alcohol has on my body are not unnoticed by me and my recreating partners. Over the last 10 years I have been working through an internal dialogue surrounding my consumption of alcohol and its effect on my life and I think I may have finally found the path forward.

I have been lucky enough to live a life where I get a lot of days in my year that I feel 80-100% overall. The luck in this is not lost on me. I have friends who are brilliant and strong in the mountains and yet suffer physically due to nothing under their control. What I see is that when I have a beer or two or three, the next day I am lucky to get to 80% and I end up not feeling great. Basically I poison myself and sabotage my efforts. My critical thinking at work suffers and my communication with Dani suffers. I am super fortunate to have the health and lifestyle that I have and it seems trivial and dumb to sabbotage this for no reason.

It is not lost on me that others, including Dani, are able to function much easier with responsible consumption of alcohol. Maybe I damaged my system at a young age or maybe my personal relationship with alcohol is just a little more sensitive and complex than others. I’m not sure. Just know that if you're reading this and think, “man Alex hates everyone who drinks,” please know that is not the case.

As of 2020, Dani and I have relocated to Reno, NV. Our 4th stop on this wild ride of life.

We relocated here for a host of reasons but one of which was the skiing. As I have navigated a new career and getting married and relocating to a state that is a far cry from where I grew up I have also been on a hunt to find a few more beans and generally be the best person I can be. Be my best self if you will. Along my path to finding said beans and best self, I keep coming across articles and having conversations with people surrounding drinking. Turns out I'm not the only person who has been on this thought process! No crazy issues to address, just trying to get a little more sleep, train a little more efficiently, have more time on the weekend with the dial at 11 and generally feeling better over all. See links below to some of these articles.

OK enough rambling. Long story short, I have decided to cut alcohol out of my diet for 2020. I am 3 months in at this point and it has been easier than I expected. I have shared this choice with friends, who shockingly have been supportive and nonchalant about it. I have attended weddings and social gatherings. I have talked to my parents and in-laws. It turns out I am surrounded by wonderful humans who love and care for me no matter what my preference on the subject. Maybe I'm a little more comfortable in my own skin now that I have Dani P in my life. Social situations seem less daunting and life doesn’t seem like something I need to bury or run from anymore. I don't know if this will be a lifestyle choice for ever or just for this year. But Operation New Decade New Dierker is a go and I am going to post a few more write ups here as the year progresses. Mostly just as an outlet to put thoughts down as text, so feel free to skip over if you find yourself checking our site for some of Dani’s great photos. Stay tuned and remember to KEEP THE STOKE ALIVE!

https://treelinejournal.com/why-treeline-journal-and-why-24-hours-on-pilot-butte/

https://ultrarunnerpodcast.com/why-i-quit-drinking-beer/

https://www.therunnerstrip.com/2020/02/my-change-for-better-wellness/

LIVIN' ON A PRAYER / March 20, 2020 by Dani Perrot

Well damn! It feels weird writing this and looking back on these photos when so much has changed so quickly in the course of a few weeks…

After 2 weekends away mid-February, we returned to Reno to find that ~50% of the snowpack had melted while we were gone, no snow had fallen (this February was one of the driest on record for the Sierra), and things were looking a little dire!

We took advantage of other activities, like taking a cooking class, going to the batting cages, and doing some watercoloring…

On Feb 28, we headed out for an exploratory tour on the TRT south of Chickadee Ridge to see what there was to see…we had hoped to make it to Diamond Peaks, but one crappy fall on the skins and a cranky hip turned us around a little over halfway there. Conditions were NOT GREAT, with big fins of snow, lots of tree wells melted out, and overall sort of sad times. However, since we are weirdos, this felt par for the course in terms of classic D&D days.

Luckily, the next day (March 1), it finally snowed again! We skied inbounds at Alpine and had a surprisingly fun morning (seriously) of skiing a foot of new snow on top of rocks and ice moguls. As Alex would say, “looks like pow, sounds like shit!”

After that, we thought we had better try to take advantage of the new snow before the sun got it, so we headed out for a dawn patrol before work (FINALLY, our first one since moving here!) on Mt Rose with T and Will! We had THE BEST time, and skied mostly surprisingly great snow! A little sharky out the bottom, just to wake us up a little. THANKS GUYS FOR GETTING OUT WITH US!!!

Then: THE WEEKEND OF THE STUT! (Aka: steeze chicks.) Shane came out for a long weekend and despite not much new snow to play around in, we still had a great time. In fact, it was the greatest snow he and Alex had ever skied together (fact). One day of Alpine+Squaw, another day of graupel on ice at Alpine, and a beautiful tour up Rubicon with Kate joining us! We also batted at baseballs, ate all the foods, drank the beers, and sauna’ed the sauna. It was glorious. THANKS FOR VISITING US STUT (luckily, pre-social distancing)!!!

SNOW TO SAND // Jackson - Santa Barbara / March 5, 2020 by Dani Perrot

We had a crazy few weeks of traveling, skiing, socializing, and getting in as many work hours in between as possible!

Weekend 1, aka Dierker’s B-day Weekend, aka the Annual Pilgrimage to the Tetons // It was almost like the snow gods were trying to make up last year’s failed trip to Jackson (between injury and road conditions); this year, we managed to be in Jackson during a great storm cycle and get in some EXCELLENT skiing in GTNP and on the Pass. MORE importantly, we got to spend fantastic quality time with many of our wonderful friends, including new addition to the crew JO!!! Thanks for all of the fun times, amigos. Huge extra thanks to J&J(&J&R) for hosting us, feeding us, and being their wonderful selves.

DIERKER B-DAY!!! Basically….ALL ABOUT THE FOODS!!! HAPPY B-DAY DIERKER DIERKER!!!

Weekend 2, aka family trip for the Dom+Kat winter beach wedding extravaganza // Four days after skiing our faces off in Jackson (before making the 11 hour drive home), we headed over the Pass to hop in the car with Mama and Papa P and Rosie for a trip to Santa Barbara for a family wedding— had an AWESOME time enjoying some rain, getting muddy, putting our feet in the sand, eating tacos, and celebrating Dom and Kat! Quick trip, but a great one with MORE QT with the fam! Even managed to score some sweet new gas station shades along the way.

MONTH 75: More winter corn harvesting / March 5, 2020 by Dani Perrot

The tide continued to go out in early February…for several weeks in a row we had progressively more sunny and warm weather (aka more melt-freeze cycles) Tuesdays through Saturdays, with small storm on Sundays, and windy times on Mondays. The skiing continued to be pretty fun on south-facing stuff, so we took advantage and found some decent corn turns with fam and friends! THANKS FAM AND FRIENDS!!! Month 75 was one to remember.

Example of weather pattern…Saturday skiing…

(Dierker making corn turns on mini lap 2 on Jakes)

…then Sunday, less than 24 hours later…

(Bry Bry taking in the views as the clouds lift over Tahoe)

“If you can read this, you aren't skiing” // Return of the Ski Bum / February 4, 2020 by Dani Perrot

JANUARY 2020 proved that it’s possible to get in a respectable amount of skiing despite physically not being at 100% when willing/able to work weird hours, ski weird (and excellent) snow, and live in weird places with good access. Not many words, just a bunch of pics from skiing in the last month. WOOP! XOXO, D&D

2 DAYS OF S’S: NEW YEAR’S DAY (AKA RAINBOWS ARE BAD FOR SNOW) AND SISTER’S DAY

Skiing slush, Sauna, Sushi, Snacks, Stranger Things, & Sleeps (and rinse/repeat)….then Sisters!

A WEEKEND OF D’S

D&D do Demo days, Dani loses at cribbage, Dogs, near-foot-Death in the sauna

KATE P’S STAY AT CASA DE DIERKER

A fun day of skiing ice moguls and less-tracked pockets inbounds, then touring up Incline Peak for surprise soft turns before a walk on the lake with one of the wonderful humans of the OG Jax crew!

“SKIALPINE2020” (AKA PA) RETIRES AND IT SNOWS 2 FEET

A collection of images from Papa P’s first week of retirement— he should retire more often!!!

ROUNDING OUT THE MONTH WITH WEATHER GODS’ MOOD SWINGS

HOLIDAYS 2019 // THE END OF A DECADE / January 10, 2020 by Dani Perrot

It’s hard to believe that we’re headed into the 20’s, but here we are! On a “run" the other morning, we reflected on where we both were 10 years ago….and how neither of us could have anticipated what would come. We both feel really appreciative of all of the life experiences we’ve had from 2010-2019— everything. Looking forward to whatever is coming ahead, because more than ever, we are feeling more at peace with ourselves and better equipped to move through whatever life brings or whatever we seek from it. - D&D

(Thanks to Ryan, aka Brother B, and his new online wellness program The MindStrength Project for sharing this with us. https://www.mindstrengthproject.com/)

Saying goodbye to Big

In true Big G fashion, she had plans for us to have a little extra family time in Peoria this year for Christmas. Big G wrung every last drop out of life. I often comment how Dani and I’s parents are setting the bar high for us, but it was really Big G and her generation that set the bar high for all of us. We are going to miss her, but she is always there to be the angel on our shoulder, making sure that we know there is a “right way” and a “wrong way” to turn……and that we know which way she would turn :) Those Cubs, You people, Ditto-Ditto and “you wear a helmet don’t you!?” Love ya Big and thanks for everything XXOO.

Christmas Times

Last week of 2019

"Instasnowpack" // Front 1/2 of December 2019 / December 16, 2019 by Dani Perrot

Our last few weeks have been spent in and enjoying views of the white coat the Sierra is finally wearing. BOY IS IT PRETTY. We’ve been trying to keep things within reason as the hip continues to heal, and it has been a serious exercise in self-restraint. We’re thinking of it as being lucky to get to explore all of these close-to-the-car gems (and fun skiing inbounds again) that normally our objective-oriented mindset would blow by and overlook. Right now, it’s been all about just soaking up every second of being out moving on snow or dirt. Every moment matters. Feeling incredibly appreciative, and truly enjoying the process.

No-snow-vember 2019 / December 5, 2019 by Dani Perrot

On November 9, we completed our 72nd consecutive month of turns. Woohoo! Started a new page archiving the months here: https://danianddierker.squarespace.com/monthly-turns

These turns were, by far, the sketchiest turns yet. Straight ice! Even the choppy seas of St. Mary’s could never compare. Nonetheless, got em in! The next day, we went for a very dry hike up Relay Peak. Things were looking bleak!

On November 30, we returned to Reno and found this…

By a few days later, the storm totals were up to EIGHT FEET in Tahoe. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!

Illinois Thanksgiving 2019 / December 5, 2019 by Dani Perrot

We were able to head back to Illinois for a full week for Thanksgiving this year and as per usual, we soaked up every second of it! We had wonderful, quality time with family and friends, starting in Chicago to kick off the holiday season, then moving down south to the homebase with pies and other incredible food, a hot tub, and our favorite black lab. Deep gratitude for the simultaneous adventurous and restorative times, we love you Mama and Papa D!

CHICAGO

PEORIA

Pre-Thanksgiving November 2019 / December 3, 2019 by Dani Perrot

HALLOWEENISH TIME

So many happy times! Big shoutout to Dill for making the trip up on the bus to visit us for the weekend!!! <3

A FOCO VISIT! (for just DP)

Got to go back to FoCO for a few days for work— huge shoutout to Dbuzz and John for letting me borrow your cars, and to Stut (and Eric!) and Pinot for letting me crash with you! Was so great to be back, especially up at Bay View, even just for a few days.

A WEEKEND IN THE BAY + A MORNING IN ROCKLIN + A FEW QUICK DAYS IN RENO

We had a great time in Marin/Oakland with Showbean+BryBry and Big O, followed by a little bit of time in Sac and Rocklin (for Dani), and then a few more days back home in Reno before Thanksgiving adventures…whew! It was quite the month!

OCTOBER // recovery and roots / October 29, 2019 by Dani Perrot

We are starting to feel more and more grounded here in Reno! We’ve been lucky to be close to family during this last month, spend time with some of our incredible Jackson friends, and return to places that center us. Photo dump below to help us hang on to those memories of the good times of October 2019.

THE WEEKEND OF OCTOBER TURNS

KEEPING IT LOCAL WITH J&J&R AKA THE KINGS

A TUOLUMNE WEEKEND FOR GRANDPA

Not that this place is crazy popular in the summer, but pretty sweet to have a spot in Tuolumne all to ourselves…

EASTSIDE WEEKEND WITH OUR FAVORITE VAN NOMADS

…and a few weekday shots from the month…

Smee / October 16, 2019 by Dani Perrot

Grandpa— thank you for instilling your love for the Sierra in me, encouraging me to chase my dreams, and listening to my most imaginative musings. Love you always.

The Start to Fall in Reno / September 30, 2019 by Dani Perrot

We have been enjoying the cooler fall weather during the past 2 weeks here in Reno! Did some fun camping/hiking/swimming/s’moreo-ing/climbing/socializing with Christy, Kate, and new Oakland friends 2 weekends ago, then spent this past weekend with family and doing some closer-to-home exploring of the Mt Rose Wilderness Area. Not sure if this is a just a weather blip, but we’re loving wearing the puffies again for as long as it lasts!

Non-weekend shots

Truckee Weekend with Showbean and Friends

Family and September Storm Weekend

PRI-PRI LYFE // September turns w/e + first Eastside w/e / September 18, 2019 by Dani Perrot

Turns out we still can dirtbag with the best of ‘em, and this area has been quite good to us for finding excellent free (and we think legal) places to sleep out of the back of the car.

Two Fridays ago, we set up our mats and sleeping bags down in town then drove up to Mt. Rose Summit under the cover of darkness…but it was totally ok and we slept peacefully at 9k ft with a few other vehicle-sleepin’ folks. That kicked off an awesome weekend of getting in the September turns, hanging around South Lake, and getting in some football watchin’.

Last weekend, we headed down the Eastside for the first time since moving to Reno. Access to 395 and everything associated was a big part of the reason we moved here, so even though we couldn’t recreate at our normal level, we had the BEST TIME. Mama and Papa P and Rosie coming off of their backpacking trip to Mammoth a day early gave us the perfect excuse— did some more sleeping out of the Prius, hiking, beer-drinking, and gear-shop-wandering.

THANK YOU PRI PRI for being the best car ever! She’s pretty ok with her new NV plates.

NON WEEKEND TIMES

MT ROSE SUMMIT WEEKEND

INAUGURAL EASTSIDE WEEKEND (aka weekend of the panos)

Pano 1: looking across the East Walker River valley driving back into Bridgeport

Pano 2: looking across Saddlebag Lake at Yosemite peaks (Mt. Conness, North Peak, and Shepherd’s Crest)

Pano 4: views looking west, north, and east from Mammoth Crest

Anniversary #1 Weekend + Labor Day Weekend with the Dierker Elders / September 9, 2019 by Dani Perrot

We have had a fun and busy last few weeks— between work and fun stuff with family and friends, we’ve been keeping ourselves highly occupied!

First off, had an awesome anniversary weekend. We spent Saturday daytime in Sacramento with Dill and then the evening with family for Izzy and Ben’s wedding! Sunday (actual anniversary) was spent doing a hike to Lake Aloha, visiting Camp Rich, and indulging in all you can eat sushi in Stateline. <3

Labor Day weekend was AWESOME— Mama and Papa D were here Friday and Saturday, and we had the best time exploring our new home with them, getting in some good mountain time, and then getting in some good lake/beach time. Might have gone a little overboard (is that possible for us?!) and ended up using our Sunday and Labor Day off to do some serious R&R on Tahoe and in Reno and on the futon…totally worth it. So many new things, the brains are tired and happy!

ANNIVERSARY #1 WEEKEND

LABOR DAY WEEKEND WITH THE DIERKER ELDERS

Futon views

"THE MOVE" // STARTING A NEW CHAPTER // HELLO RENO / August 16, 2019 by Dani Perrot

Here goes nothin’….!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last thing we did in CO was eat a breakfast burrito from Kind and a donut from the donut shop in Estes (which is CLOSING, WTF ESTES!!!!), and got in our August turns on Sundance (yes, I’m in my wedding dress, over an R1 and yoga pants). It was perfect and fitting. Luckily neither car broke down and we made it safely in a 2 day caravan push.

We are slowly settling into life in the Reno/Tahoe zone…shit just got REAL! We have discovered though that besides living within walking/biking distance to the climbing gym, work, tons of sweet coffee shops/breweries/eateries/donut shops, we are also only 3 hours from either Mammoth or from the coast. STOKE IS HIGH! COME VISIT US!

THE FIRST 2 WEEKS

Casual fri-sun views from Sinclair street

RENO/TAHOE WEEKEND NUMERO UNO

Post-PRP life in photos // GOODBYE COLORADO / August 16, 2019 by Dani Perrot

The longggggg period of time between PRP and us moving to Reno— we are so so SO going to miss FoCO and our Front Range community. We’ve been incredibly lucky to meet such incredible humans…we also were super lucky to live in our little spot over the garage up at Horsetooth. Even with a bum hip, we’d say we soaked that place up pretty darn good.

Below, a summary of events over the last few months in photos…(and a few vids)…

PRP! (and immediately after…)

BDAYS AND DIRTY 30

JUST JUNE

JULY: SAYING FAREWELL TO THE FRONT RANGE

CONFIDENCE. RESILIENCE. FAITH. / August 8, 2019 by Dani Perrot

[Disclaimers: (1) this is long. It took me a few months to work through writing it. Apparently I had a shit ton of processing to do. (2) Oh yeah, there is some swearing in here. Part of the processing. (3) Thanks to all of the family/friends/health professionals who have helped me during this experience. You guys are the best. XOXO, Dani]

A hip story in progress

“Definitely no running for three months.” I remember going into tunnel-vision, shocked, while the doctor nonchalantly broke this news. Even though the pain had been steadily increasing over the previous month to the point where I couldn’t sleep at night, I had been certain that I was mentally weak and a hypochondriac. I had gone to the doctor to confirm that. I had even downplayed my symptoms, just in case he told me nothing was actually wrong with me. But the diagnosis that day was tendinopathy (read: chronic tendonitis; tendon injury that has stopped healing) of one of the quad muscles (rectus femoris) at the attachment at the front of my hip. As the ultrasound ran over my skin and I heard “tendinopathy”, I was both relieved and embarrassed. That didn’t sound bad at all. So I couldn’t believe it when he casually told me that I couldn’t run for three months. I remember calling my sister (a med student), desperate for her to tell me he was wrong, that it wouldn’t take that long.

But most of all, I remember calling Alex immediately afterward, and through my tears admitting one of my deepest fears: “I’m scared of the person I will be without running.”

That was December 17, 2018. Two months before that, Alex and I toed the line at Blue Sky Trail Marathon on October 20. We had signed up for the event when we returned from our backpacking honeymoon in September, excited to participate in a trail running event where we could literally see our house from the start line. We hadn’t trained specifically for Blue Sky, but our base fitness was fairly high going into it. Post-wedding, we felt like we suddenly had time to tick some objectives off of our list: running around Horsetooth Reservoir from our front door, jiking Four Pass Loop and Halo Ridge...we were dialed. I couldn’t believe how strong I felt, alternating running and hiking up Towers, cruising the first 9 hilliest miles with ease. But when we were passing the Blue Sky trailhead on our way out to do the southern namesake portion of the course, a weakness and pain came on relatively quickly in my left hip flexor. I told Alex I needed to walk for a bit, so we let the foot off the gas, ate some food, and I tried to walk it off, as I have so many naggles. Alex asked, “do you just want to stop? We’re right here...we could just stop here.” But I was absolutely terrified of DNF’ing. (DNF=did not finish.) Knowing myself and my brain, I knew that if I stopped, I would question and obsess over it for some indefinite amount of time. I would lie awake at 3 AM, brushing tears away, googling “are you a real runner if you quit a race” or “when should you DNF” or “are you too weak to be an ultrarunner.” I saw it all flash before my eyes, so real...no way was I stopping. Plus, the rolling singletrack was too tempting to run, and we were setting such a good pace, so I gritted my teeth and figured it would go away eventually. Eighteen miles later, by the finish, it had gotten significantly worse. I couldn’t lift my leg, and downhill running had become even more challenging than the up. Still, we finished just over 5 hours, with me in the top 20 females. It was the best I had “raced” since Imogene in 2011. No stomach issues, no cramping, no nerves...just this weird, pulled hip flexor.

I had to take a break for a week. I couldn’t lift my leg to even put my shoe on, much less run. But over that week, I felt more and more insane, so eventually I figured I should try to run on it. My first day back, I ran 6 from the office at lunch, trying to swing my left leg forward like a rag doll. I was (stupidly) stoked. “See, you’re fine. You can run,” I told myself.

The fake-it-til-ya-make-it face during a third lap of November turns in RMNP.

Over the next 6 weeks, I oscillated between trying to run, trying to ski, trying to ice and take my turmeric, trying to be tough, trying not to say anything, going to PT...and then freaking out that “it still isn’t getting better”, being in a significant amount of pain, telling myself aloud that I was making it all up in my head, cancelling PT appointments. We had been dreaming about running R2R2R over our first Thanksgiving as a married couple, and it was slowly breaking me knowing that I shouldn’t do it, and knowing that I had to tell Alex I couldn’t do it. “I could probably do it if I hiked the whole thing, but I really want to run it,” I finally told him. We made the call 3 days before we were going to leave.

It turns out that having your significant other and best friend as your running, skiing, and climbing partner can have a downside. Alex and I just had never really experienced it before; 95% of our relationship and time in the mountains together had been all the “good” stuff. Sure, we’d get in arguments about avalanche conditions, gear placements and climbing anchors, which line to ski, probability of thunderstorms, etc. But most of the time, we just got to do what we both love most with the person we love most. The bond we’ve built over time through those experiences is legit crazy. I don’t know many other couples that operate this way, but you know ‘em when you see ‘em. People wonder “don’t you get sick of each other?” But it’s like this positive feedback loop….like a hungry bear, where the more you feed it, the bigger and stronger it gets, but the hungrier it gets too.

The hard part is when you can’t feed the bear. The guilt we both felt, even early on in this experience, was, for lack of a better phrase, “super duper shitty.” I cried. Alex cried. I apologized for not being more honest. Alex apologized for not listening to me. We cried some more. We made plans for “when” my hip would be better. I felt terrible for being a pent-up asshole. Alex tried re-creating with other friends, but just didn’t enjoy it because he wanted me there. I worried that the “only reason we’re together is because we’re running/skiing/climbing partners” (knowing that’s not true) and Alex constantly reminded me that (of course) that’s not true (although it is an important part of our relationship). It sucks. Luckily, the joys mentioned in the previous paragraph exceed the shittiness 100-fold, but it doesn’t mean the parts that suck don’t suck.

Sometimes I wondered if it wouldn’t be easier to be alone so I wouldn’t feel the guilt of holding Alex back. But deep down I knew how lucky I was to have someone to hug me when I was sad, tell me they were there for me no matter what, love me even when I wanted to push everything away. That’s something running could never give me.

A screenshot I sent my sister of one of my x-rays. Knowing what I know now, it’s funny that I circled that particular part of the image. But no femoral neck stress fracture and my acetabulums looked good!

[Back to the story.] After that initial appointment with the sports med doc, he thought I should get an MRI, just to rule out a labral tear and/or femoral neck stress fracture. I spent two weeks on crutches and a month of going back and forth with insurance and doctors, and then finally got an MRI in late January (after also getting an x-ray)...and everything came back normal...even though I was still in a significant amount of pain (which was incredibly confusing). I got a second and third opinion on my xray and MRI, but nothing felt right.

My PT Priya was amazing and spent session after session with me (even a 2.5 hour long session with two other PTs), trying to figure out what was going on with me and find a way to get my body to heal. At the end of January, she referred me to a fourth doctor (Dr. Tim Mazzola) in Boulder, but I couldn’t get an appointment until the end of April. At the end of February, she also had me start seeing one of her colleagues at Rebound, Brad Ott, who she felt like could maybe help me better. Brad noted that my pelvic alignment was totally off (“did you ever fall down?”), and he started working with me to correct that ASAP so my tendons could actually heal themselves.

The “three month” window (mid December through mid February) the first doctor had told me about had come and and gone, with no significant improvements in functionality or pain. I tried going back on crutches again. I tried to get excited about something non-outdoor-activity related like baking (donuts were my favorite part) or getting better at the uke or taking online programming courses, but it wasn’t enough to fill the hole. I obsessed that I was doing something wrong that was inhibiting my healing. I freaked out when finally my body fat started to climb and there was nothing I could do. I tried keto for four hours then decided that was dumb for my mental health. I ate ungodly amounts of protein. I dreaded leaving the house because every time I saw someone else running, I would cry tears of jealousy and regret and sadness...and guilt and self-loathing (for feeling the previous three emotions). I avoided contact with coworkers in my office so I didn’t have to answer the incessant “are you feeling better yet?” question. I was tired of hearing how I “was missing an incredible ski season.” I felt guilty that Alex didn’t want to recreate with other people, and instead stayed home with me. I felt exhausted and unmotivated and defeated for several months, with only Alex literally pulling me out of bed as my way for getting up in the morning. I thought maybe I had some kind of vitamin deficiency only to go to get bloodwork done and be told that I was depressed. I cried after most PT sessions...tears of gratitude and relief, but also deep shame of my body that I felt so disconnected from and that I couldn’t seem to fix. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror and as I did my tests at PT, I couldn’t stand seeing my weak thigh try to lift itself, and was terrified someone would notice how “fat” I was getting.

It didn’t help that when sharing any of this, I would occasionally get the response of “maybe it’s just in your head?” Or “maybe your body was hurting for a long time so now it can’t shut off the pain signals.” Or “maybe you should just push through it.” Literally, confirmation from the world outside my brain that maybe I really was making it up. Maybe I was weak. Maybe I should have tried harder to push through it. But then I knew that wasn’t right. Deep down in my heart, past my brain, I knew something was wrong, and the reason it was still messed up was because of my brain. Because I had listened to the voices in my head.

There were some good moments too. I worked on a training program to swim a mile (arms-only, with pull buoy) and got more confident in the pool. I still got in monthly ski turns with Alex. I did get better and more confident with baking (especially donuts). I learned some new songs on the uke. I felt sure that I actually loved running/skiing/climbing, and that my passion of moving outside was my own, not something I had been conditioned to love as a kid. I learned that I don’t want to get fat-adapted by dieting. I accepted that it made sense that I was atrophying, because DUHHHHHHH. I learned to truly believe that Alex and my relationship wasn’t solely based on being recreating partners, and that I hadn’t tricked him into loving me with my mad tele skills and route-planning. I realized that I could still find joy in celebrating OTHER people’s love of running by supporting them in reaching their own goals.

I got FUCKING MOTIVATED and started doing everything I could to make myself better. I read into the power of the mind for healing, and started visualizing golden strands rebuilding in my hip, making it strong and stable. I took more vitamins. I ate more protein. I religiously did my PT every single morning at Whetstone, and tried to be as honest as possible during my appointments with Brad. I drank shit tons of water, and got myself a (SICK) used mountain bike (Judy 3.0). I swam a mile with only my arms, and wore my running shoes all the time. I foam rolled (not too much!) and listened to my body. I started seeing Ginna Ellis (Boulder Acusport) for acupuncture, and at my first appointment, she asked me a bunch of questions, including “did you ever fall down?” There was that question again, which I’d been asked by several other doctors and PTs. “Nope!” I answered confidently (and then she stuck me with a ton of glorious needles). That night when I got home I told Alex, “Man, everyone keeps asking me if I ‘ever fell down’...but I didn’t, right? I can’t remember falling….” Alex shook his head at me, “Dude, how do you not remember. You took the hardest fall I’ve ever seen you take on Day 1 of the backpacking trip. Remember? Right on your face, with the fully loaded pack?” Whoops. I mentioned it to Ginna at my next appointment, and then didn’t think much else of it.

Finally, in early April, things seemed to have turned a corner. Brad had crushed it. My hip wasn’t achy all the time. I was sleeping better, testing better at PT. One Friday morning, Brad told me he thought I was ready to try a small run test over the weekend. As Alex and I drove away, I was quiet and shaky. I couldn’t believe I could try to run. I was so excited but so nervous. I didn’t feel 100%, and because the injury had been caused (or at least exacerbated) by me running and skiing when I wasn’t 100%, I was scared to try again. But also: unbelievably excited. That Saturday morning, I took some tentative jogging strides and immediately felt my spirits lift. My hip didn’t feel 100%-- BUT...it happened. My heart was STOKED. My appointment with the doctor in Boulder was approaching the following week, and I wasn’t sure that I should go. But then again, I wasn’t 100%, and I had gone 5 months without running. “Worst thing that happens,” I told myself, “is that he tells you you’re fine and a hypochondriac.”

Unfortunately, somehow, my brain hadn’t examined ALL of the worst case scenarios. “Well, first things first, you do have a labral tear,” Dr Mazzola told me that sunny April morning in his Boulder office. “But I’m also not convinced that that’s what you’re dealing with.” I couldn’t believe it. After all of that, I had indeed fucked up my labrum at some point. “Did you ever fall down?” he asked me, and I told him triumphantly that YES I had fallen down, but it was back at the end of last August. “Interesting,” he replied.

I can’t remember exactly how long the appointment was, but it was the best doctor’s appointment I’ve ever had in my life. Up until that point, I really felt like my PTs were the only ones who had seemed to care about figuring out what was going on and how to get me better. This doctor obviously cared. He went through a long series of physical tests. He found the same thing Brad had found, with my hips tilted forward and my left slightly more forward than my right. After running through tests and beginning to look at things with the ultrasound, he had found that my SI joint ligaments were damaged and unlocking in oppositional directions, my glute medius still was exhibiting tendinopathy, and my rec fem was looking GOOD (which was surprising, since I was still having some pain in the front of my hip). He tested my psoas, which he said wasn’t firing at all. “Maybe you have a back injury...let’s look at it with the ultrasound…” he mused as I flipped onto my stomach. “A back injury?” I asked. “Yeah, sometimes when you have a back injury, your nervous system can shut down function to certain areas,” the other doctor in the room told me. “Oh man,” Mazzola said, running over my spine with the ultrasound. “Well, avulsion fracture of L1 vertebra.” Dr. Mazzola then “tested” his theory by numbing my back, then re-testing my iliopsoas. Boom. Worked totally fine. Medical miracle.

Sure enough, it had all (likely) started with that fall on our backpacking trip, and then had progressed to being tendinitis (and then tendinopathy) of my rectus femoris and glute medius, SI ligament strains, and a labral tear because half of my hip flexors had stopped working, and meanwhile I was putting in 50-60 mile weeks of running when we got back from our honeymoon and didn’t stop, despite pain and weakness and sleepless nights, until mid-December.

This is what relief+frustration looks like.

I was shocked. I walked out in a daze, PRP* paperwork in my hand. PRP injections of the glute medius, both SI joints, and my L1-L3 fascia were his recommendation. Start taking collagen and some vitamins. Something like that. I got in the car and broke down. It was an incredible relief to know that I hadn’t made things up in my head...and also pretty devastating. I should note that I had been feeling pain in my SI joint since December, but I had been initially told that it was “referred pain,” and because I figured it wasn’t real and also because I didn’t want to sound complain-y to my PTs, I had never said much about it (so silly, in retrospect). I called Alex, emailed Brad and my sister, and compulsively googled “avulsion fracture” over and over again. Fed up with myself, I packed up my stuff, emailed my supervisor that I would not be working the rest of the day, and drove up to the Sunshine Canyon trailhead, defiant tears rolling down my cheeks. I ran a mile from the car on glorious singletrack before I made myself turn around. My lungs burned and my legs were weak, but I felt so incredibly free in those few minutes. I suddenly realized that things were going to have to change moving forward. I couldn’t fight it any more. I needed to listen to my gut. Trust myself. Be even more patient than I had ever been, and start from scratch, try the PRP, do the PT, and wait another few months to start trying to run again. I knew that’s what I needed to do for myself if I wanted to continue putting in long days and efforts in the mountains.

The complicating factor in all of this was the fact we had decided to move to Reno, NV. Initially our plan had been to move on July 1, but with the realization that the recovery from the PRP would take a while, Alex and I both agreed that it would be better if I stuck with Brad who had gotten me this far in the recovery process even without any PRP. We changed our plans to move on August 1 instead, and luckily I got in for PRP on May 17.

So there I was finally, laying on the table in the doctor’s office, with Dr. Mazzola re-injecting my platelets back into me, one hand on the ultrasound, one hand on the needle, both eyes on the monitor, with Joe the scribe playing Hips Don’t Lie in the background. Alex was there too, documenting and providing moral support. When all was said and done, I crutched out, SI belt firmly around my hips, barely able to bend at the waist from all of the swelling, but happy. As Alex and I drove north back to Fort Collins, I had a moment that felt like a flashback-- I had a mental movie play that was like the last 8 months in fast-reverse, ending with me falling flat on my face in Spiller Canyon. Maybe it was just a moment of light-headedness from the procedure, but it felt to me like my brain was ready to start helping my body heal the right way this time.

The ensuing weeks and months since that day have been a continued effort to enjoy the process. We watched literally all of Game of Thrones in the span of a few weeks. It didn’t take long to get off the crutches. At my first PT appointment one week out from PRP, I was still extremely swollen and feeling unstable, and Brad cautiously tried doing some testing on my alignment. I was in the SI belt for a month. My strength gradually returned, better than it had been pre-PRP. I volunteered at Dirty 30 (which I had run last year) and realized that I’m not a fake ultrarunner. (WTF is up with this brain of mine.) I accepted that not running for months doesn’t mean you aren’t a runner. I battled back thoughts that I wouldn’t be taken seriously by doctors or PTs if I wasn’t fit (read: thin), because I realized nobody ever treated me otherwise.

Right now, I’m exactly 10 weeks to the day out from the PRP procedure. Some days are easier and better than others, but overall I think I’m steadily improving. The achiness is still there, but not as intense or constant as it was for months. At my most recent followup appointment with Dr. Mazzola, he reassured me that things were healing, and that the pain would be the last thing to resolve. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to start a very slow return-to-running program again in a few weeks. Mentally, I’m feeling like I’ve been tested, and that I’m doing it. I’m getting through it. This experience is giving me a new confidence in myself that I didn’t have before. In my intuition. In my sisu (yay for being ¼ Fin). In my ability to get through day-to-day life without skiing, running, or climbing. In my partnership with Alex. In my trust that the end of the tunnel is there, even if I can’t see it. I know now that you can be a fighter and have acceptance at the same time. I have a new compassion for myself, which has been uncomfortable but simultaneously stabilizing. I also have a DEEP compassion for others who live with chronic pain, illness, injury, depression, anxiety...for being human. It’s ok to not be ok. We can’t always say words that will magically fix things for others. Listening is an incredible gift that you can give. We can’t make negative thoughts go away, but we can choose to take away their power by recognizing them for what they are: just thoughts, not reality. Feelings aren’t black and white-- you can feel good, bad, happy, sad, angry, relieved, whatever, all at the same time. Life doesn’t always/ever go to plan, and I’m learning to be ok with that.

When I was running a lot, I would repeat “be fierce, feel brave” over and over to myself while pushing through the pain cave. I’ve been pushing through a different kind of pain cave, and while that mantra still feels relevant, I have a new one I’ve been trying out: “confidence, resilience, and faith” (thanks to AJW).

Confidence that I’m doing the right things for my recovery.

Resilience through pain, doubt, and fear.

Faith that it will get better.

[If you read this far, I owe you a beer and/or a donut.]

*PRP: Platelet rich plasma. “PRP injections are prepared by taking anywhere from one to a few tubes of your own blood and running it through a centrifuge to concentrate the platelets. These activated platelets are then injected directly into your injured or diseased body tissue. This releases growth factors that stimulate and increase the number of reparative cells your body produces.” https://www.hss.edu/condition-list_prp-injections.asp

A few articles that I found helpful:

-Several posts on this woman’s blog (here’s one): http://www.therunnersplate.com/2017/06/01/getting-back-in-the-groove/

-https://uprighthealth.com/hip-labral-tears/

-This was incredibly helpful for me in the context of how long the recovery process takes: https://www.irunfar.com/2016/03/the-remodel-project-an-inner-look-at-injured-tissue-healing.html

Here are the people who have helped me get this hip back to tip-top-shape:

-Brad Ott, Priya Prince, and Becca Rauch at Rebound Sports and Physical Therapy: https://www.reboundsportspt.com/

-Dr. Tim Mazzola, ROSM of Boulder: http://www.rosm.org/project/dr-timothy-mazzola/

-Ginna Ellis, Boulder Acusport: http://www.boulderacusport.com/

-Shari Maccallum (Rolfing): http://sharimaccallum.com/

Parting thoughts on mental health:

For background and context for everything I just wrote: it should be noted that I struggle with OCD. I don’t have the kind of OCD you probably immediately think of...super clean (anyone who has seen my car can attest), constantly cleaning (I forget to shower constantly...sorry Dad…), super organized (ok wait, that checks out, spreadsheet/list-making-queen over here). No, obsessive-compulsive disorder is “a common, chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable recurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over.” I have the kind of OCD that is centered on fear, and I struggle with extremely vivid thoughts that feel very real to me (i.e. running over a cyclist with my car, burning my apartment down, doing anything that will hurt someone or make them sick, getting fired from my job, etc). Everyone to a degree has weird thoughts come in their head, but mine come and won’t go, for hours or days at a time. It causes me to google things incessantly, re-check that nothing is touching the heater 5-10 times before being able to leave the house, be scared of driving, avoid social interactions, etc. At times I question whether a thought is real (i.e. did that happen? Did I actually do that?), and avoid any situation that might put me in a position of a thought becoming a reality. It can be really scary and disorienting. I went to the ER a few years ago with chest pains, went through all the tests, got an echocaridogram, etc, and when everything looked good, the doctor told me it might be from anxiety. It was only a few months after that, sitting in a therapist’s office, that I learned that I had been having panic attacks, and a little while after that we figured out that the panic disorder was related to OCD. Over the last few years, I’ve been doing a lot of work (primarily exposure therapy) with an awesome counselor to challenge OCD mind and re-wire my brain into being able to recognize thoughts for what they are. Running in particular has helped me tremendously, as it’s the most in-my-body I can get...that flow state, when you’re just breathing and moving, and nothing else. It’s not devoid of thought, just a different state of mind. Not being able to run has been tricky for me, not only because it had (honestly) started to become a bit of a compulsive behavior, but it was also a coping mechanism, and a way for me to challenge myself and do some self-exposure-therapy. Alternate titles for this blog post could have easily been “Running with (or is it from?) OCD” or “Getting run down by OCD brain,” as it’s been a huge part of this whole hip ordeal. It’s all intertwined. I’ve been extra challenged in the last year to find other ways to be in my body (effectively), face my fears, cope...but I’ve been doing it. Writing this (especially this last paragraph) is a way.

If you recognize any of these thoughts/behaviors in yourself, you aren’t alone! A lot of people have OCD. If you want to gain more freedom in your life from this pattern, I couldn’t recommend seeking help more. I could not have gotten through this entire process without it. A huge thanks to Jackie Johnson, Chelsea Cashman, and the women in our OCD group for all of the tools and support.

Acceptance: pre-PRP May 2019 / May 27, 2019 by Dani Perrot

We had some awesome times in early May. Re hip: long-story short, finally felt like I had a complete understanding of WTF happened to my body last fall…will probably write full post about things down the line to do some processing. Nonetheless, path forward! Woohoo! Also, since it is now common knowledge: we are moving to the Reno/Tahoe area this summer! Alex will be working in his company’s Reno office and I will be working remotely. We are STOKED!!! Pics below from (1) an exploratory/work trip to Reno, (2) Papa P’s trip to visit us in CO, and (3) other fun times pre-hip-procedure.

<3, D&D

WORK/SCOPE TRIP TO RENO